Moonstruck Dusk
by BraidedTissues
Summary: "Doctor! Doctor! IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?" Jacob wailed running through the Cullen house. "OH MY GOD, THAT'S ME!" Carlisle squealed and latched onto Jacob's back. "I'M A DOCTOR!" Post-BD Crackfic
1. Chapter 1: How it all began

**If you like the classics of the Twilight Series and are looking for something romantic and gooey, this isn't the fanfic for you**

**_BUT_ if you want to laugh at the stupidity of some of our favorite characters please, enjoy!**

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**Chapter uno:**

Mike Newton wasn't the brightest bulb in the shack when it came to love. He kind of failed at Bella, Jessica, Angela, and even Eric. He felt himself getting farther and farther away from all his friends and found himself most of the time eating lunch by himself outside in the rain.

It was a particularly sunny day, which was rare in rainy forks when Mike was walking out in the street going to work.

"Lonely, I am so lonely, I have nobody, for my own, OWNNNNNNNNNNN!" Mike sang loudly.

"Shut up you freak!" someone shouted, throwing a lamp at him. Mike fell to the ground, now having a rather large bump on his head. He was just getting up when he heard the screech of tires.

"Tyler you mor-" Mike was cut off when he got hit by the already blood-splattered van. He flew backwards into the lamp-throwers house. The angry person stomped out.

"Get your bruised ass OFF my lawn!" the person shouted, kicking Mike's bleeding form.

"Nrgggg," Mike groaned. The person pulled Mike across their gravel and threw him into a nearby pond. Mike looked up to see that it was Bella's father, Charlie. What a screwed up world Mike thought as Charlie congratulated Tyler on his good work. Mike lay on the shore, bleeding.

"Help!" he yelled.

"I told you to shut up!" Charlie yelled, this time throwing a chair at him. Mike's body groaned in protest. I guess not paying up for when I lost strip poker was a bad idea Mike thought.

After a few hours, Mike actually realized that he might be in trouble.

"Shit…." he mumbled, crawling his way back to the street. His mom and dad wouldn't come looking for him. Neither would the police, thanks to Charlie.

So that's how Mike got run over multiple times, because he was too stupid to drag himself back out of the road.

He was almost at the point of fainting when he heard a voice.

"Well… what do we have here?" the man said. Mike looked up blearily. It looked like a doctor.

"Isn't this Bella's friend?" the doctor seemed to be talking to himself.

"I better help him." Mike was suddenly scooped up.

"Hey that hurts," he mumbled incoherently as something bit him.

"Ow… OW! Stop burning me! Are you crazy?!" Mike shouted. The doctor looked down at him.

"Yes, Mike. I may be."

/~/

"And why the hell did you do this again?" Bella asked. Carlisle ran his pale hands through his white-blond hair and sighed.

"I guess call it doctors intuition," Carlisle told her and Bella rolled her eyes.

"Yeah sure, you just probably thought he was hot or something," Bella joked. Carlisle eyes widened ad he leaned towards Bella's left ear.

"Don't tell Esme," He whispered to her with all seriousness. Edward, who as nearby, gaped at his fatherly role model and raised his eyebrows.

"Carlisle?" Edward gasped. Carlisle gave him a small smile, a new glittering quality in his eyes.

"Yes Edward?" Carlisle replied innocently.

"It was a rhetorical question dumbass," Edward scowled. Carlisle frowned and his age-less face seemed to grow dark.

"Well it seems my stay has run over time," Carlisle muttered darkly. Bella almost felt chills go down her back at the tone he said it in.

"This is your house," Edward pointed out and ruffled his bronze locks. A smiled of amusement played on his lips.

"It was a rhetorical statement, Edward," Carlisle said in a mocking tone. Edward rolled his eyes as Alice danced into the room.

"He's awake," she announced. Bella groaned.

"This is going to be horrible."

"Way to state the obvious," Edward muttered.

"You're in a bad mood," Alice commented. Edward threw a couch at her.

"You could say that."

/~/

"Eww now he's even more…" Bella trailed off. Mike was sitting up in the bed, looking alert. His red eyes and pale skin made him look even more gross.

"I think he's the only ugly vampire," Edward decided. Mike looked towards his voice.

"Oh shit," Alice said.

"What happened?" Jasper asked.

"He imprinted!" Alice screeched.

"What? I thought that was a dog thing," Carlisle sounded confused.

"You're the doctor," said Edward.

"Look who's such a smart Alec now!" Carlisle growled.

"I hate that guy," Alice sighed. Everyone stared at her. "What, he's in the Volturi!" They all rolled their eyes in unison.

"Can we please get back to Mike here?" Jasper asked.

"Why do you wanna talk about him?" Rose taunted.

"You likeee him!" Bella said.

"Why would I ever like that sniveling, pasty faced, blood eyed, creeper?" Jasper asked.

"Hey!" Mike shouted. Everyone turned to him at once.

"Shut up!" they yelled.

"Wait, who did Mike imprint on?" Emmett asked. Alice looked at Edward. His eyes widened.

"No," he shouted. "No no no no no no no no no no!" Edward looked like he was about to cry. Bella looked like she was going to heave. Emmett and Jasper exchanged grossed out looks. Esme covered her mouth in amusement. Carlisle looked rather sorry that he ever touched Mike.

"Now that's just wrong," Rose stated.

"No fuck," Jacob said, walking into the room. "What are we talking about again?" Everyone looked at Mike's gross from.

"Whoa, what is that?!" Jacob looked alarmed.

"Mike Newton," Alice said sadly.

"Are you sure?" Jake squinted at him. "I never knew you leeches could be bad looking!" Jacob edged toward him then backed away.

"Aww! He smells worse than normal!" Everyone took a big whiff.

"Oh crap!" "Holy shit!" "My nose!" "I think I'm gonna pass out!" The vampires were writhing on the floor.

"Carlisle did you do something wrong?" Rose asked, holding her nose.

"No! I bit him like-"

"Ewww! You put your lips to his skin?!" Emmett shouted. Everyone groaned in disgust. Nessie walked into the room.

"What's going on?" she asked. Bella scooped her up.

"Nothing hunnie," she soothed. Nessie suddenly screamed.

"Mommy, mommy, what is that?!" she screeched.

"That's what I said," Jacob muttered.

"It's a new vampire," Bella explained.

"That's a vampire?" Nessie said in disbelief.

"Unfortunately, yes, that's Mike Newton," Emmett sighed.

"The lame old guy who stalks mommy?" Nessie asked. Alice snickered.

"Well now he's gonna stalk Daddy," Bella said with a grin. Nessie widened her eyes.

"What?" Nessie said. "Daddy's gay?" Jasper and Emmett laughed loudly. Edward face-palmed. Mike shifted uncomfortably, turning red.

"Whoa, he can blush!" Esme shouted, jumping up and down and pointing.

"Maybe he's not all vampire," Edward mumbled.

"That would explain things," Jacob commented.

"Carlisle, you've lost your touch," Rosalie snickered. Carlisle rolled his eyes.

"Or Mike's just defective," he suggested. Everyone nodded in agreement. After a pause, Bella spoke up.

"So what are we going to do about his infatuation with Edward?" she laughed. Emmett decided to answer her by pushing Edward onto Mike.

"Ewwwwwww!" the girls squealed. Well the girls and Edward. Mike hugged Edward to his chest and strattled him. Jacob left with a groan. Everyone began to back away from the new couple.

"No! Don't leave me hear with it!" Edward yelled and tried to squirm away.

/~/

"I suppose we better take him hunting," Bella said thoughtfully. The Cullen's groaned.

"I vote Edward should take him," said Emmett from his spot of the couch. Edward's fierce glare canceled that idea.  
Everyone looked at Esme.

"What?" she sounded confused. "Why should I take him?"

"Because you're the motherly figure of the household, and you must take care of him," Edward said in a sweet tone. She wrinkled her nose and shook her head.

"That thing is **not** part of my household," she stated.

"Then… Emmett should take it!" Jasper said. The Cullen's shrugged and threw Emmett and Mike out the door.

"Wait WHAT?!" Emmett roared in outrage. Nobody answered him.

"Ugg fine, but you're gonna have to pay me back later!" Emmett growled, pulling Mike towards the woods.

/~/

Later…

"Can't you do anything right?!" Emmett yelled in exasperation. It seemed that all the vampiric abilities had skipped Mike. He couldn't run fast, jump high, or lift things. Heck, he was even bad to human standards.

"How did you even pass gym?" Emmett sighed. Mike looked at the ground.

"I didn't," he mumbled. Emmett's eyes bulged, then he exhaled.

"Of course you didn't."

/~/

"Edward, what the hell are we going to do about this?" Bella asked. Edward sighed and flopped onto their bed.

"I seriously don't know. I don't think I could stand being with that… thing," he replied truthfully. Bella laid down next to him.

"We could show him you're not for sale," she said in an alluring tone. Edward shrugged.

"Not in the mood today, babe."

/~/

Emmett finally decided just to force Mike to eat plants, and made his way back to the house, leaving Mike stranded in Canada.

"Oh my god I am NEVER going to-" Emmett cut off as he walked into Rose's and his bedroom. His face twisted in blind fury.

"YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"

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**We love to hate Mike =)**

**Review please!**

**-Cally and Laurie**


	2. Chapter 2: Killing off people is fun!

"Emmett? EMMMETT?!?!" Carlisle called. Jasper hid his grin. He felt Rosalie slid her hands around his waist and bring her lips up to his ear.

"Do you think they will ever find out?" She whispered and Jasper rolled his eyes.

"Of course not, I hid the ashes. They will never figure it out," Jasper assured her.

"Where'd you hide them?" Rosalie asked curiously, she batted her eye lashes.

"Emmett's old underwear drawer, no one will _ever _go in there. Believe me," Jasper chuckled and Rosalie kissed him softly on the cheek. Carlisle trotted over to them.

"Have you seen Emmett, or for that matter, Alice?" He asked them, raising his eyebrows.

"Mike probably killed them," Edward muttered as he just now walked into the room. Everyone agreed.

"But... they couldn't be dead," Rosalie muttered in faux-concern.

"Yeah they could. Jeez Rosalie, way to take dumb blond to a whole to meaning!" Edward laughed.

"Did I just hear a dumb blond joke?" Jacob sang as he walked through the Cullen's front door.

"I didn't know this was a hotel for dogs," Rosalie snarled at him and Jacob rolled his eyes.

"Well obviously someone's PMSing, oh wait, you can't cause your DEAD!" Rosalie was about to lunge when Carlisle cleared his throat.

"I was asking because Mike isn't here," Carlisle continued.

"Who?" Jasper questioned.

"Eddie's new luvvvvvvvv," Rosalie taunted.

"Oh you mean that thing that Carlisle made?" Jasper asked. Carlisle nodded in embarrassment.

"I bet Emmett ditched him," Bella laughed. Carlisle rubbed his temples.

"Alright. Better go get him before some poor wolf gets scared," he sighed. Carlisle blurred out of the room. Jacob ran after him with a smile that said, 'I'm gonna make sure the wolf scares _him.'_

"Now that the only responsible vampire left," Rosalie said, "Jasper and I are headed to Vegas for some fun."

"Yeah, Bella and I might take off too. Before that _thing_ comes back." Edward shuddered.

"Will you take care of Nessie, Esme?" Bella asked.

"Sure," Esme said with a seemingly sweet smile.

But it wasn't sweet at all.

Things were about to get ugly.

/~/

"Esme? Esme?" Nessie called through the halls. She poked her head into the kitchen and looked around. "Esme!"

Esme looked up from the pot she was stirring and smiled at Nessie. She walked over to her and scooped her up. "Well hello hunny!"

Nessie giggled as Esme tickled her rib cage and laughed along with her.

"What are we going to do today without mommy and daddy?" Nessie asked her brown eyes sparkling with giddiness.

"Well..." Esme started, "I think I should finish what I'm making and then I can play."

"I?" Nessie asked curiously. Esme's smile grew.

"Yes, I." And suddenly Esme saw the little girls smile waver and felt her heartbeat quicken. That's when Esme smiled even more, only this time, very darkly and sinisterly. Nessie jumped out of her arms and sprinted away. But Esme just laughed and followed. Nessie was cornered, back pressed up against the wall.

"Wha-why are you doing this?!" Nessie cried out. Esme smashed the wall next to Nessie's head in.

"Because I'M the only motherly figure in the house! No longer is Bella!" Esme snarled, lunging for the girl. Nessie's cries were cut off with a gurgle. Esme grinned in satisfaction as a burning smell went through the house.

"Oh no, my stew..." muttered Esme, dragging the corpse with her to the kitchen. Esme turned the stove down and stirred it quickly.

"Yes... it is COMPLETE!" Esme screeched with an insane cackle. She stirred the pot with a big wooden spoon until they brown murky liquid created a vortex. When it finally calmed, two round big brown eyes popped to the top, and looked at her with an almost pleading look.

But then they went back under. Esme laughed again, but was interrupted by the doorbell.

"Who the hell would interrupt ME!" Esme roared and lunged towards the door. She swung it open. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Um, hello mam," A balding short man stuttered. His big buck teeth curled in front of his blotchy lips and his big old fashioned glasses were askew on his too-small-for-his-face nose. His cheeks were bright red and his big potbelly hung out of his stained shirt. Esme scrunched her noise in disgust and immediately saw the resemblance.

"Oh, hello Mr. Newton," she said, trying to be cheerful.

"Hello, err, is my son or wife here?" he asked. Esme furrowed her brow.  
"Your wife and son are dead," she said, rolling her eyes. The man gasped and fell to his knees.

"Please... you must help me," he pleaded, crawling towards her. Esme curled her lip in disgust. Then a thought popped into her head.... _a perfect way to get rid of the evidence..._

"Well, why don't you come in and have some stew?" Esme said. Mr. Newton crawled into the kitchen. Esme poured him a large bowl. Mr. Newton was too distraught to notice the gross smell the stew was making. He grabbed by ladle (Esme didn't give him a spoon) and began shoveling it down. As soon as the 32nd scoop of the "stew' hit his lips he realized something was wrong.

"May I have some salt for this?" He asked his mouth full of the disgusting broth. Esme smiled and handed him the salt.

"So what my dear is in this soup?" Mr. Newton asked scarfing down another scoop of it.

"Nessie," Esme replied sweetly.

"Is that some sort of spice?"

"No, it's my granddaughter," Esme said in a normal tone, turning to put the carrots away. Nr. Newton coughed out his mouthful of stew.  
"It's your WHAT?!" he sputtered. Esme checked her watch.

"If my calculations are correct, you have 2 minutes to live," she said calmly. Mr. Newton jumped out of his seat and towards the door. Esme blocked his way with ease. Mr. Newton keeled over in a sudden pain. Esme towered over him.

"Yes, that might be your stomach digesting itself," she told him. Mr. Newton gasped as the bulge in his pants grew bigger and bigger. Esme stared at it in degust.

"There really is something wrong with you Newton's."

/~/

Esme wrinkled her nose in disgust and she tied Mr. Newton's jacket around her waist and hoisted him over her shoulders. she grabbed a pile of Nessie's clothes and trudged out the door. She walked all the way through the woods until they were just behind the Newton's store. She dropped Mr. Newton into the dumpster and laid the clothes Nessie had been wearing on the ground. She threw the jacket down and leaped up into a tree, making sure not to get any of her scent anywhere. Once she was far enough away that she couldn't smell either scents anymore she smiled to herself.

"Good job Esme, good job," She murmured to herself. Once she reached the house she sprinted in and fake-screamed. Edward, Bella, Carlisle, and Mike were on the couch relaxing.

"What is it?" Carlisle asked, standing up.

"Mr. Newton.... he...he took Nessie when I wasn't looking, he.. he... chopped her up then ate her... then he KILLED himself!" Esme faked sobbed, and wailed even louder.

"WHAT?!?!?!" Bella and Edward shouted in unison. They both started bawling as Carlisle tried to calm them down. Suddenly, Edward turned to look at Mike with a fierce glare on.

"_You!" _He seethed, "Your father did this!"

"But..." Mike started off but it was too late, Edward had already lunged.

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**This chapter... good god!  
But the things about to happen aren't meant for children, so we had to get rid of her _somehow_. ;)  
****Review!**

**-C and L**


	3. Chapter 3: Good god this family

*Flashback to before chapter 2 ;)*

Emmett was currently destroying the house.

"HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THIS JAZZ!?!?!" Emmett roared again and again. Jasper was pinned against the dirt (Emmett smashed through 2 floors), Emmett's hand at his neck.

"Sorry, sorry!" Jasper gasped. Emmett's fist came down on his face.

"NO! YOU'RE NOT SORRY!" Emmett smashed the ground, making it tremble. Jasper was keeping very still, waiting for the right moment. Finally, after many hours, Emmett took his hands off Jasper and sat quietly on the floor. Emmett shook his head.

"Sorry… that was an overreaction," Emmett muttered. Jasper rolled his eyes.

"You could say that," Jasper said.

/~/

Unfortunately, Emmett didn't forgive Jasper. Actually, he was still in blind rage, taking out most of the forest. He pulled out his cell phone.

"Hey, Alice, wanna come hunting?" Emmett tried to keep his voice steady. The other person on the line paused then chirped,

"Yeah, sure Emmy! Where?" Emmett gulped quietly.

"Ten miles southeast of that spot on the Canadian border."

"Oooookay, be there soon!" Alice sang as the line went dead.

Alice was skipping along the stream, humming too quiet for the animals to hear. Emmett jogged next to her, only concentrating on hunting. The duo quickly caught a buck and a mountain lion, sucking them dry. Alice wiped her mouth daintily with a tissue.

"So what now?" Alice asked.

"Let's take a run," Emmett suggested, trying to keep his mind on that. Alice grinned.

"Alright!" Then blurred along the forest, scaring animals out of their wits. As sudden as he could manage, Emmett reached around and pulled off the pixie's head. Her eyes bulged and he began disassembling the rest of her body. He lit a small fire and threw the body parts in with relish.

"Take that you cheating bastard."

/~/

Carlisle smiled at Jasper and followed him through the forest.

"Thanks Carlisle I was getting so hungry, and no one else wanted to go hunting," Jasper told him.

"Of course Jazz, I was getting pretty thirsty myself." Jasper sucked in the forest fresh air. It smelled like trees, mountain lion, Alice, and deer. Jasper sucked in again. _Alice? _Jasper started following the strange scent through the forest. He then got another whiff of the smell. Smoke.

"Oh my god," Jasper muttered and sprinted through the forest. "No, no, no, no!"

"What is it?" Carlisle asked, trying to keep up with him. Jasper ignored him and followed his nose. He stopped abruptly.

"No," Jasper whimpered. He stared at the pile of ashes on the forest floor, still wisps of smokes emerging form it. He bent down and ran his hand through his hair. He sucked in one final breath of the remains of his mate, and smelt her familiar smell, it made him cringe. But that's not all he smelled. Jasper sucked in the air and realized what it was.

Emmett.

Jasper walked calmly into the Cullen household.

"Unca Jazz!" Nessie came running up to him. He ruffled her hair with a fake smile.

"Emmett? Hey I want a wrestling match man!" he called in a hearty tone. Emmett raced down the stairs.

"You're on!" he said. Jasper let him to a clearing the forest.

"Alright, ready… go!" Emmett called. The two vampires raced at each other. Jasper leaped around Emmett spraying all of his surfaces with bug spray.

"What the-" Emmett started but was cut off by Jasper leaping at him with a lighter. The flames engulfed his body in heat. He tried to scream but the hot flames licked his mouth and no words could come out.

"Bu-bye brother," Jasper chuckled as he watched Emmett crumple to the floor. Jasper grabbed Emmett arm and pulled on it. The arm popped out of its socket and rolled away from its previous owner. Jasper did the same to the other then sprayed more spray on the separated limbs. He created more fire. Jasper moved on to the legs and then the head until finally Emmett's body lay scattered across the ground, the fire taking up most of the oxygen. Not that Jasper needed it. Jasper smiled to himself then started moving away from the fire. He backed away from the screen then raced back to the river and plunged in, ridding himself of the smoky smell of Emmett burning. He got out then shook himself in vampiric speed, getting all the water off. He blurred back to the house.

"Rose?" he called. The blond was there in a moment. He winked at her then made his way up the stairs, her at his heels.

They barely made it too the bed.

/~/

"Dr. Cullen, this one is dead," One of the nurses said pointing to a pale old man with his eyes closed. Carlisle clucked his tongue.

"Such a young one…" Carlisle sighed. The nurse raised her eyebrows. Carlisle looked down at his feet, remembering that she didn't know he was actually 500 years old.

"Oh Dr. Carlisle, you have a visitor," Another blonde nurse popped into the room and smiled at him.

"Okay, send them in." The blond nurse nodded in reply then winked at him. Carlisle shivered with the disgust. He hated blonds, especially Rose. Carlisle looked up and saw a short chubby woman, holding an ugly colored purse with her pudgy hands. He looked at her vein infested eyes and large nose. Her jacket barley fit her body and she wore a worried look on her face. A lady so ugly could only be related to one person. Mike Newton.

"Hello Mrs. Newton," Carlisle smiled. The lady jumped at the mention of her name and glared at the Doctor.

"You!" She pointed a fat finger at him. Carlisle actually was quite surprise.

"Umm… yes?" he asked, a little scared.

"You made my son… my beautiful son…" Carlisle didn't listen to the rest, because he was thinking about how insane this lady must be to think that Mike was beautiful.

"Rarrggg!" Mrs. Newton ended with a scream. Carlisle raised an eyebrow.

"What was that?" Mrs. Newton pushed Carlisle up against the wall with her finger.

"You. Made. My. Son. A. MONSTER!" Mrs. Newton screeched. Carlisle still was confused.

"Come again?" he asked. Mrs. Newton roared.

"I saw him walking around town! You marred his gorgeous face!" Carlisle realized she was talking about his attempt to make Mike into a vampire.

"Oh… yes, well sorry? I really don't think I made him that different…" Carlisle trailed off when he saw Mrs. Newton's face.

"I'M GOING TO TELL **EVERYONE** ABOUT YOU CULLENS!" she shrieked. Carlisle realized how dangerous this situation was.

"Well we can't have that," he said in a smooth tone, taking one stride towards her, his hand outstretched.

Carlisle shoved Mrs. Newton into the body bag that he kept under his desk. He zipped it up then pulled her outside his office. It took him a while, because she was very heavy, even for Carlisle.

"Janet?" Carlisle called. The blond nurse in skimpy clothes ran towards him.

"Can you take this to the downstairs janitor's closet?" Janet looked at the bag in suspicion. Carlisle waggled a finger at her.

"Now don't you look inside. It's a surprise for later," he gave her a wink. The nurse blushed and began dragging the body to the elevator. As soon as she was out of earshot, Carlisle whipped out his cell phone.

"Charlie? Yeah I think one of our nurses just killed someone. She's headed to the janitor's closet on the first floor. Thanks." S_ometimes I'm so smart it amazes me,_ Carlisle sighed.

* * *

**  
Sorry for the confuzzlingness  
Laurie- It was all Cally's fault =P  
Cally- *Death glare***

**Review!**


	4. Chapter 4: Haha ewww

"Break it up, break it up!" Carlisle growled putting his hands on Edward's and Mike's wrists to keep between them. Mike was in tears because he was so scared and Edward was close to foaming out the mouth.

"I'm going to freakin murder you," Edward seethed and barred his teeth at Mike. Mike burst into another round of tears and started wailing.

"Are you really... _crying_?" Bella snickered and Mike started crying even harder, if that was even possible at the time.

"Now just calm down- Ed- Edward- no- st-STOP BITING ME!" Carlisle screamed and everyone turned around to see Edward trying to gnaw his wrist out of Carlisle's grasp.

"EDWARD!" Esme squealed and started hyperventilating. Finally Carlisle let go of Edward and he sprung onto Mike, clawing at his eyes and throat.

"Oh my god, I think he's_ killing_ him!"

"Good."

Edward was still beating Mike up and after every punch Mike screamed even louder. Finally, Edward seemed satisfied and punched Mike one last time and stood up.

"Much better." Everyone looked down at Mike whose face was, if possible, even more distorted.

"Well at least the scars and cuts hide his ugly face,' Bella sighed and Jacob snorted in agreement.

"He's a disgrace to the vampire race."

"Oh Edward I think you missed a spot," Jacob snickered and pointed to Mikes smooth skinned arm. Edward smiled and dived back in, happy to beat him up some more.

Bella backed away with Jacob from the scene.

"I'm so sorry Jacob," Bella said. He looked blankly at the floor.

"I have no reason for living anymore." Bella gave him a sexy smile.

"And what about me?" Jacob gave her a blank look before breaking into a wide smile. He took her hand and ran up the stairs, running into Carlisle and Esme's room. Bella slammed the door shut. Everyone's head from down stairs shot up and Edward glided off of Mike.

"What was that?" Edward asked, his eyebrow furrowing together.

"Do you.. hear that?" Carlisle whispered. Everyone listened and her giggles and peals of laughter.

"Is that Bella?"

"And Jacob?"

"And _Bella!_?" Edward emphasized.

"...and Jacob?" Carlisle said as if it was a question, clearly not getting Edward's anger.

"Eww," Esme laughed and everyone glared at her. There was an awkward pause.

"Yay! Gay baby!" Jasper cheered. Edward shook his head in a jerky motion.

"Shut up! This is serious!" he shouted. Everyone rolled their eyes, clearly not caring. Edward twitched in irritation.

"Wait... a gay baby being born is that serious?" Mike said in confusion. No one decided to reply to his obvious idiocy. After an hour of watching football Rosalie sat up suddenly.

"Wait, why aren't you doing something?" she asked Edward.

"Do I... have to do something?" he questioned. She nodded, apparently very serious about the matter. Edward got up awkwardly.

"Okay..." Edward paused for a moment. Rosalie stared at him intensely.

"Wh- oh, you mean go now? Okay, I'm going!" Edward huffed and trotted up the stairs, he reached the bedroom and lightly knocked on the door.

"Bella? You in there?" He heard a giggle then a bark. Edward swung open the door, and there on the floor was his sweet innocent Bella, being humped by Jacob in dog form.

Edward's mouth opened and closed for about a minutes until Jacob rolled off Bella awkwardly.

"What?" Bella's voice was as cheerful as ever.

"You... what?" Edward stuttered. Jacob morphed into human form, and Bella stared openly at his naked body.

"Now the half-nakedness didn't bother me, but this is just..." Bella trailed off. An inhuman sound came from Edward as he wheeled down the stairs.

"Edward, where are you going?" Carlisle wondered as Edward passed him and out the door.

"EDWARD!" He heard being called after him. But it was too late. His mind was focused, set on one thing, get to the Black residence.

/~/

"Coming!" A raspy voice yelled from behind the door, "Who ar- oh, Edward! It's you!"

The ageing man smiled and the wrinkles thickened on his face.

"Hello Billy," Edward smiled. "May I come in?"

"Why of course, come on in!" Billy smiled back and wheeled backwards so Edward could step in.

"So what brings ya here?" Billy asked and wheeled himself next to Edward, where he had sat down on the edge of the filthy couch.

"Oh just to pay some visits, and to talk to Jake about something," Edward lied.

"Jake? What do you need to tell him, I can pass on the message if you want," Billy offered. Edward shook his head and his bronze curls danced around.

"I'll wait."

"Okay, but what is it you need to talk about?" His voice suddenly dropped to a whisper, "Any new vampires?"

"No, no nothing like that! It's just...well I feel like.." Edward paused for a moment and chose his words carefully, "Me and Bella are getting farther apart. I need his advice,"

"Oh," Billy sighed.

"Yeah, I don't know, I think Bella has been looking at, _other guys,"_ Edward fake huffed and had to restrain himself from smiling.

"Really? I thought she only had eyes for you?"

"Not always...me"

"Wait a darn tootin' second, is this other guy, Jakey? My jakey!" Billy's jaw dropped and his eyes budged. "This is about Jake?"

"Well it's not all about Jake," Edward mumbled and Billy raised his eyebrows.

"What you mean?"

"I mean Billy, this is also about you."

"Wh-?" But Billy was cut off when Edward pounced on him.

/~/

"That was one hell of a ride," Bella commented. Jacob sighed, because he was covered in bruises. Bella glanced over.

"Ahh yeah... sorry about..." she glanced to his lower region. Jake turned bright red.

"Its nothing," he lied, covering it with the blanket shreds. The door suddenly burst open.

"Jaaaaa-a-aaaaa-a-aaaa-aaaaa-kkkkkk-kkkk-kkkkk-k-k-kkkkkkkk-e-eeeeee-eeee-ee--eeeeee!!!!!!!!" Seth announced. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the two.

"Um..what's with the....?" Seth mumbled and looked down at his feet.

"Well what do you want?" Bella snapped and Seth blushed.

"Its about Billy, Jake," Seth whimpered and Jake's eyes widened.

"What about him?"

"He's...he's dead."

/~/

"EDWARDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jacob screeched, pulling on pants before thundering down the stairs. Edward was sitting calmly on the couch and looked up in surprise. Jacob grabbed him by his shirt and hoisted him up in the air.

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU KILL MY FATHER?!?!?!?!" Jacob shouted, inches from Edward's face.

"IT WASN'T ME IT WAS MY INVISIBLE TWIN PEDRO!!!!!" Edward protested. Jacob shook Edward.

"TELL ME THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!" Edward slapped at Jacob's hands until he set Edward down. He took a seat on the couch and resumed reading. Jacob pounced onto Edward, who flipped him over the couch easily.

"Guess what?" Edward stated. Jacob looked up, hungry for answers.

"I'm still a rock star."

/~/

I packed my things in to my duffle bag and sighed. I felt a tear slide down my cheek. He was dead. Gone forever.

"Jake, I'm here," I heard a voice yell. I sighed once again and zipped up my bag. Charlie bounced into the room and smiled gently at me.

"Hey kid ready to go?" He tried to sound cheery but failed miserably.

"I guess," I sighed quietly. I was also still pretty sad I didn't get to beat up Edward. Carlisle has pulled me out from under him and sent me home, and I knew Edward was on his guard. There was no way I could get him... _at the moment. _But time, has always been on my side.

"Let's go," Charlie mumbled and led me too his police cruiser. I jumped in and buckled up.

"I'm sorry about all this, I miss him too," Charlie muttered, and I swear I saw him tearing up, but he quickly looked away.

"Yeah," Was all I could muster up. Since my father died, I was being sent to live with Charlie. I don't know why, but I was. Just me and him alone in the house. I plopped down on the couch.

"Jeez, its hot in here Charlie," I complained. Charlie shrugged and sat next to me.

"The heat's broken." With my already 107 degree temperature, I was having a hard time.

"Mind if I..." I gestured to my shirt. Charlie shrugged.

"Whatever." I took it off, along with my jeans. Good thing I was wearing boxers today. Charlie suddenly froze in place and stared at me.

"What, something wrong?" I asked him. He shook his head, but kept on staring at me.

"Its just...you have grown up since the last time I saw you," Charlie explained. He blinked his eyes and took a step toward me.

"Charlie you okay? You seem, out of it," I asked scrunching my eyebrows together. Charlie said nothing but took another step forward. I looked deep into his brown eyes and then down to his plump pink lips right under his brown mustache. My eyes kept traveling downwards until I stopped suddenly. I was checking out Bella's _father_.

"What's wrong?" Charlie purred. "Don't like what you see?" I swallowed.

"Uhh.." _I actually like it very much. _Charlie put his hands on my shoulders and swayed forward. I gulped as I had the irresistible urge to touch what was currently in front of my face.

"You know you do..." And with that last statement, my lips found purchase on the member in front of me.

* * *

**I'm guessing mostof you are wondering where the heck we are going with this story  
.....We don't know either  
But review please!**

**-Cally and Laurie**


	5. Chapter 5: Dingbell?

Bella POV  
I jingled the keys to my father place and hoped up the porch and to the front door. I stuck the key in the lock and twisted.

"Dad, I'm here!" I called into the house. I heard a rustle and a thump from upstairs."Dad? You up there?"

"Err..yeah Bells! I'll be down in a minute!" I heard my dad gruffly shout from his bedroom. I sighed and paused. It smelled like..._dog._ I bounced lightly up the stairs and to my old bedroom. I sat down on my bed. That's when I heard another big bang from my dad's room.

"DAD!" I squeaked and rushed over to save him. But he didn't need saving. Not one bit.

"What the BUCK?!?!" I screeched. Jacob removed his hand from my dad's 'unmentionables.'

"Well you see, there... uhh.... I can explain..." Charlie stuttered.

"You don't need to explain one bit! It's this horny werewolf that needs to do the talking!!!!!" I yelled.

"That's shape shifter," Jacob corrected.  
"Who the hell cares?"

"Jacob's a WHAT?" Charlie screamed and shoved Jacob off of him. Jacob took a deep breath and looked at him squarely in the eyes.

"I am a shape shifter. Your daughter is a vampire," Jacob said calmly. Charlie's eyes budged and his draw dropped.

"She- you...wh-?" Charlie stammered. I sighed then slapped my dad, then Jacob.

"YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING!" I screeched and stormed out of the room.

"Wait, Bells!" I flew down the stairs and out the door. I ran through the forest where Edward once left me, and before I knew it, I was in La Push. I paced angrily around the Black's house.

"Bella?" I heard an innocent feminine voice say. I turned to see Rachel, Jacob's sister, leaning in the doorway.

"Was it your... Edward who killed him?" she asked softly. Oh, right. Edward killed Billy.

"Ummm, yeah sorry about that," I apologized. "But that isn't even close as bad as what Jacob was just doing to my father." Rachel raised a brow.

"And what did he do?" I leaned in and whispered in her ear.

"EW!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah, I know!" I replied. And we both shuddered.

"And you walked in on them?" She replied, her eyebrows rising up.

"Yea-huh!" I huffed. I think I will be scarred for the rest of my life. By the look on Rachel's face, I think she would be too.

"Why don't you come in?" she suggested, opening the door wider. I flitted in with ease.

"I would offer you something to eat... but seeing how I don't have any..." she looked uncomfortable.

"Is something wrong?" I worriedly asked her. She shook her head and daintily sat down on the couch. I sat down next to her.

"It's...it's...nothing," She sighed running her hands through her hair.

"Okay!" I replied lying back and putting my feet up on the coffee table in front of me. I grabbed the TV remote and turned it on. A strange smile appeared on her face.

"You're so different... from _him_." I looked up at her, confused.

"What?"

"He's always prying, always wanting **more**..." she had a crazed look now.

"I just want... to have..." She leaned in closer to me.

"What are you doing?" I squeaked but she just kept on leaning until she was almost on top of me.

"Now I see why Jacob has always loved you," She smiled seductively. My eyes half closed. She smelled like Jacob... like home...

"Is this okay?" she murmured, tracing her lips upon my jaw. My eyes closed all the way.

"More that okay," I whispered back, arching up to her touch. Her hand slid down to the waistline of my jeans.

"If I take these off... you know what will happen..." My own fingers quickly shredded through her pants, careful not to touch her skin. Rachel moaned and fell forward. She tugged at my pants, and I shimmied them down. I took Rachel's hands and pulled her onto me, moaning at every touch.

"You sure about this?" Rachel whispered in my ear. I nodded my head ever so slightly. She smiled and dove right back in kissing every nook and cranny.

/~/

"Rach? You here hun?" I heard a husky voice call. We both froze.

"Crap, don't you have an imprint or something?" I asked. Rachel nodded, slapping her hand to her forehead.

"I totally forgot!" _How she can forget a thing like this, I'll never know..._

_"_Rach? Uh...ya here?" The voice said again. I looked around and divide under the bed we were on. I heard the footsteps come into the room and then a loud intake of breath.

"What's that awful smell?"

"Oh, it's this new perfume I'm wearing...I thought you would like it!" Rachel lied.

"Oh...I'm sorry, it's just it smells like..._leeches"_ My hands balled into fist and I heard a slapping sound.

"How dare you!" Rachel yelled. I took in my breath sharply.

"What?" Paul was utterly confused.

"They aren't like that! They're WONDERFUL." I could imagine Paul's face.

"What have you...." I heard Paul sniff.

"Have you been... doing it with someone?!?!"

"N-no...." Rachel stuttered.

"And with a-" he stopped short as I crawled back out. His eyes bulged.

"Erm. Well, this is awkward," I stated and Paul just stood there staring at me.

"Paul, it isn't what you think," Rachel tried but Paul pushed her into the wall with a flick of his wrist. I growl ripped in my throat. He took a threatening step towards me as I debated how I could save my life.

I could a.) fight to the death with the crazy werewolf (ending in Rachel hating me)

b.) blame someone else, like one of the pack or something

c.) strip to distract him and make a run for it

As much fun as c sounded, I decided on b.

"This isn't my fault! Blame Sam!"

"And how exactly is it Sam's fault?" Paul snarled as he crouched down in a low fighting stance. I could see his veins budging, every muscle in his body want to be turning into a wolf at that moment.

"Listen, Paul," Rachel tried again, but once again Paul pushed her back down.

"Stay there you nasty ho!" He growled at her.

"It's his fault because he let us over the borderline! And he told Rachel that she didn't have to stay with her imprint!" I lied badly. Apparently, Paul was very stupid though.

"He...he did?" Paul asked, dumbstruck. I nodded my head slowly.

"Yeah...he did?" Rachel piped in. I shot her a 'just go along with it' look. She understood and added, "Oh yes! I remember that!" Paul's face contorted into one of rage.

"That little... dingbell!" he roared, jumping out a nearby window.

"....Dingbell?" I questioned. Rachel shrugged.

/~/

3rd person POV

As soon as Paul hit the ground he transformed into a wolf, his clothes flying everywhere. He tore threw the woods, and hoped that Sam wasn't in wolf form so he couldn't read his thoughts. He followed the familiar path to Sam's house and slowed when he reached Sam's backyard. Emily was out back gardening. She looked up with her half-smile.

"Hello Paul. Sam's in the kitchen if you need him," she told him. Paul grabbed a nearby apron with his teeth then transformed back, quickly covering his lower half. Emily respectively looked away and brushed a piece of fly away hair from her face. Paul clomped through the back door.

"SAM! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!" He growled and his rage produced a echo throughout the house.

"Paul?" A little voice said. Paul turned around and there was timid and frail Emily with a frown on her face

"Get outta here!" he warned, but she took a step closer.  
"What are you planning to do?!" she questioned. Paul gave her a push, propelling her backwards into the sink. She gave out a little yell. Sam was there in an instant.

"Paul, outside!" Sam growled. Paul walked into the yard and began pacing.

"WHAT ARE YOU DO-" but Sam was cut off because his rage turned him into a wolf. Paul immediately transformed too and pounced on Sam. They tumbled to the ground, snapping at each other. Paul pinned Sam to the ground.

_Why?!_ Sam cried. But Paul just snarled and bit into the soft flesh of Sam's neck.

* * *

**  
Messed up chapter yo  
But review :)**

**-Cally and Laurie**


	6. Chapter 6: Poison Muffins

Emily POV

I collapsed against the door with a loud thump. I heard a person run over and open it immediately.

"Emily?" Sue Clearwater asked, concerned. "Are you okay?"

"No..." I groaned clutching my bleeding leg.

"Oh my god! SOMEONE CALL 911!" she shouted, but ended up sprinting to the phone and dialing it herself.

"Sam...is he okay?" I muttered trying to prop my head up on a near by chair.

"Its...we need to get you help!" Sue carried me to her couch and literally dropped me there. My vision got a little black around the edges.

"Is he okay?" I asked again. Sue hesitated.

"Well Paul managed to get some pretty good bites in... Carlisle says his outlook isn't the greatest."

"Carlisle is taking care of him?!"

"Well yeah." I slapped my hand to my forehead.

"If the injuries don't kill Sam, that will."

"What's wrong with Dr. Carlisle...oh motha BUCKER! HES A VAMP!" Sue remembered, face palming herself.

"YOU JUST REMEBERED?!?" I shouted, sitting straight up. Sue face palmed herself again.

"Yep," She said muffled behind her hand.

"Stop face palming yourself. Its idiotic," I said irritably. Sue removed her hand from her face.

"We have to get Sam away from the Cullen's before he wakes up," Sue said. She threw her hand up, but suddenly stopped when it got close to her face, and sheepishly put it down when I glared.

"Quickly! To the wolf-mobile!" I told her, she scooped me up and ran over to my garage. She again, threw me in and revved the engine. We sped out of the garage in the Lamborghini.

"How the hell did you afford this?" I asked. She looked at me from the corner of her eye and winked. I shuddered, thinking of the possible ways.

"How do I get to the Cull- OHMYGOD!" Sue swerved off the road, as a massive wolf jumped in front of the car. We spun around, time slowed down, until we finally hit something, _hard._

"Emily...is she okay?" Sue muttered, slightly dazed.

"I'm fine Sue," I reassured her.

"No, not you, THE CAR! MY PRECIOUS!" Then Sue fell unconscious, whacking her head against the dashboard. A giant snout stuck through the window and peeled me and Sue out of the car.

"Seth?" I murmured, seeing the sandy colored wolf. He nodded and threw us onto his back. I gripped his fur tight and held onto Sue. Seth sprinted forward. The forest turned to blur around us, and I squeezed my eyes shut. Finally, Seth began to slow, eventually coming to a stop. I slid off his back and carried Sue into the large house.

"My, my what happened?!" I heard a woman ask. She ran forward and took Sue out of my arms.

"Emily?" I heard a familiar tone say. I looked up to see Bella, perfectly pale, sitting on the edge of the couch.

"Where's Sam?" I asked immediately. Bella pointed to the opposite couch. I ran over and knelt by his side. Sam stirred, and the rest of the vampires came to look over my shoulder. Sam opened his eyes and squinted.

Sam POV

The light was so damn bright... I squinted and took in my surroundings. My nose was burning like crazy, which wasn't a good sign. My vision cleared and I saw Emily, my Emily, and about a dozen vampires.

"Em! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?!?!" I shouted. Her bottom lip was bleeding and right above her eyebrow, a bruise about the size of an orange was appearing.

"It's not me that's hurt Sam, it's you," Emily quivered and I looked down at myself.

"What-happened to me?" I managed to get out. I had several large gashes along my stomach, and 2 on my leg. Carlisle stepped forward.

"I think I can explain-"

"Like HELL you can!" I yelled, jumping off the couch at him. I shifted into wolf form, and got in a low crouch. Carlisle took a step back and raised an eyebrow.

"I was just going to tell you that-" I snarled, cutting him off, and lunged at the vampire. Carlisle dodged, and gave a shout to the others to get back. I dive bombed him with numerous nips and slashes, but he dodged them all, not a hair out of place.

_SAM! STOP! _I heard a voice demand. It was Seth, and his thoughts were going a million miles a second, as usual.

_Why should I? Look what they did to me!_

_That wasn't the Cullen's, it was Paul!_

_Paul? _I staggered and landed on the couch, returning to human form. Emily immediately covered me with a blanket.

"How could... Paul..." I looked down and saw that the blanket was turning red from all my blood loss.

"How...... how...." And with that, Sam Uley blacked out and never woke back up.

Sue POV

I woke up to a group of vampires surrounding me.

"Hello?" I whispered, blinking my eyes rapidly.

"Hello, Mrs. Clearwater. I just saved your life," I soft voice murmured. I looked up and saw Dr. Cullen smiling gently at me. I suddenly bolted straight up from the bed I was lying on.

"WHERE'S MY CAR?!?" I screeched, remembering, my poor wrecked baby. Dr. Cullen blinked owlishly at me.

"My son is picking it up now... but don't you want to know about Emily?" I gave him a look that said, _No, I don't give a fuck about Emily until I know my baby's okay._ Dr Cullen gave me a confused nod.

"Alright, well she's going to be staying with you for a few days, if that's alright."

"Whatever," I muttered.

~time jump!~

"Dinners done!" Emily chirped. I felt my stomach growl.

"FOOD!" Seth moaned, and rubbed his stomach. I ruffled my son's hair with a smile as we made our way over to the table.

"Where's Leah?" Emily asked. I looked expectantly at Seth.

"Err..." Emily gave him a disapproving look.

"Why do you expect me to know?!" he exclaimed. I rolled my eyes and began eating the spaghetti. After dinner was done, Seth let out a large belch.

"What's for desert?" he asked expectantly. Emily passed out chocolate muffins. Seth ate his ravenously while I took small, normal bites.

"I'll save this one for Leah," Emily said, grabbing the last muffin and wrapping it in a napkin.

"Why? She doesn't deserve something this good!" Seth joked. Emily smiled sweetly and patted him on the head like a dog.

"Now, Seth, don't bad mouth your sister!" I scolded. Seth scowled childishly and headed up to his room.

"Are you going to go out with Charlie?" Emily asked. I blushed.

"As a matter of fact, we have plans," I grinned.

"Oh," Emily sighed, and ran her finger across the countertop.

"What's wrong?" I asked her. She shrugged.

"I just thought we could have some girl time together.

"Well, maybe you can spend some alone time with Leah! I can make Seth go away," I suggested. Emily nodded and smiled.

"SETH GET YOUR LAZY ASS DOWN HERE AND GET THE HELL OUTTA MY HOUSE, YOU BUM!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Seth bolted downstairs and out the door, nearly shitting his pants. Emily gave me a smile. I wave cheerily and stepped out to my car.

Leah POV

"Hey, I'm home!" I called.

"I'm in the kitchen! Sue and Seth are out!" Emily yelled. I trotted into the kitchen and plopped myself on the nearest chair.

"I had SUCH a long day!" I whined.

"Oh really what happened?"

"Okay, so, I was talking to Jake, and I was like, OMGIZZLE, Nessie is dead! And he was like OMG, I KNOW! And I was like, OMGIZZLE, who killed her? And he was like- " But Emily interrupted me before I could finish.

"Why don't you just sit down and eat something?" she suggested. I plopped into the nearest chair.

"Here." Emily handed me a chocolate muffin. I stared at it, drool dripping down my face.

"YUM!" I squealed and swallowed it in two bites.

"How was it?" Emily asked. I shrugged.

"I guess it was goo- oh- oh my- OH NO!" I groaned, and clutched my twisting stomach. I dropped to the floor as my chest felt like it was going to cave in. The last thing I saw was Emily's cheshire grin before everything went dark.

* * *

**Sorry for changing the POV's so much ^-^'**

**Review please!**

**-Cally and Laurie**


	7. Chapter 7: Sue's Mistake

**Warning: The following content may be offensive to... people. Yeah. Enjoy?**

* * *

"Where's Leah?" Bella wondered aloud. Jacob shrugged as Seth came running into the Cullen house, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Seth!" Jacob said in surprise, hugging the teen as Seth glomped him. "What's wrong?"

"I- I walked into the house, 'cause, y'know, I thought it was safe to come back since mom had left, but when I walked in, she was just, lying there..." Seth sniffled and started shaking so bad he couldn't finish his sentence.

"Seth, SETH? STAY WITH ME KID!" Jacob screamed picking Seth up by the front of his shirt. Bella plucked Seth out of Jacob's grip and set him on the sofa.

"Your shaking is probably not helping," she sighed, then turned to Seth. "Tell me what happened Seth."

"W-well," Seth gave a little tremble. "I was coming home after my mom had k-kicked me out of the house... and when I c-came back from hanging out with Colin, Leah was DEAD!" Jacob and Bella gasped.

"DEAD?" Jacob cried.

"COLIN?" Bella cried. Jacob glared at her. She just shrugged. "What? Colin's a weird kid, why would you be hanging out with him?"

Seth just whimpered and curled up into a little ball on the couch.

"THAT BASTARD! WHOEVER DID THIS WILL PAY! PAY I TELL YOU!" Jacob seethed and started rampaging, first flipping one of the couches, then punching a hole through the wall. After he was done, and most of the living room destroyed, he plopped down next to Seth, and started rubbing his back in circular motions.

"Everything will be okay, bud," Jake soothed the still crying boy.

_Talk about mood changes, jeez, _Bella thought.

"I'm gonna go hunt," she decided, rubbing her burning throat. "Anyone want to come?" The rest of the vampires in the house (Jasper, Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme) came flitting down the stairs. They jumped out the door and towards the woods.

"It's still so gross when they're eager like that," Jacob commented. Seth gave a shaky sigh and rubbed at his eyes.

"You okay kid?" he asked him. Seth nodded tiredly.

"I know I hated her, but now that she's gone..." Seth looked down at his beaten up sneakers, "...I..."

"It's okay bud, everything will be alright," Jake promised. That's when he leaned over and kissed Seth right on his warm lips. Seth opened his mouth to make a surprised noise, but Jacob took that advantage to slip his tongue inside Seth's. Seth's body suddenly tensed up at this and Jacob took it like he was liking it. He pressed his lips even harder against Seth, as Seth gave out a sort of squealing noise. In Jacob's ears this was a moan, so he pushed Seth's smaller body down vertically on the couch. Seth started wriggling, trying to get out from underneath him. Unfortunately for him, he was accidently grinding against Jacob's crotch, which didn't help his case.

"Jake," Seth squeaked.

"Seth," Jacob whispered back, thinking Seth was enjoying this as much as he was. He ravaged Seth's mouth once again as he picked him up and walked upstairs to the bedroom that the Cullen's had provided for him.

And for the next hour, Seth's poor innocence was corrupted.

/~/

"Jake, Seth, we're back from hun-OHMYGOSH!" Bella screamed when she almost ran into the naked body of Seth Clearwater. He was hugging his knees and leaning against the wall, muttering something about being raped. Jacob was asleep (also naked) on the bed, snoring loudly.

"What the hell happened!" Carlisle groaned, as he walked into the scene followed by the rest of the vampires. Seth shot him an annoyed bloodshot look, before burying his face in his hands.

"Damn perverted teenagers," Esme sighed, stripping the bed of its disgusting ripped sheets and throwing them out the window. Seth grabbed a nearby (unsoiled, thankfully) blanket, wrapped it around his waist, and made his way out of the house. He shifted into a wolf and jumped right into the stream, trying to rid himself of what just happened.

"Don't drown!" Bella called out the door cheerfully. Jacob snores got louder.

"Maybe we can throw him in the water too," Rosalie said, crinkling her nose in annoyance.

"I'LL DO IT!" Bella screeched, bouncing up and down in anticipation. Bella started towards Jake on the couch, but paused when there was a knock on the door.

"Now who could that be?" Carlisle wondered, trying to use his special vampirey super-de-duper powers to figure out who was now banging on the front door shouting 'ITS SUE!' Rosalie opened the door.

"Why is my son rolling in the river?" she asked.

"Well, Jacob ra-" Rosalie was cut off by Jacob's hand over her mouth.

"EWWWWWWW!" she screamed, running into the river to wash herself too.

"I r..._aced _him and we got dirty and he is cleaning himself off," Jacob lied. Sue pursed her lips and nodded.

"Then why is he shouting 'I've been raped by Jacob Black!'" Sue seethed, arching on eyebrow.

"CAUSE JAKE STUCK HIS JUNK IN SETH!" Esme suddenly blurted. Carlisle chuckled next to her. Sue blinked twice as there was an awkward silence.

"..."

"You...stuck...your _Jacob Junior_...in _my _BABY?" Sue screeched diving towards Jake. He sidestepped and she fell onto Carlisle's bare foot.

"Concussion..." she moaned, holding her head.

"At least this gives me time to get away," Jake grinned, bolting for the door. He sprinted across the lawn and into the forest.

"Do you think we should have told him he was still naked?" Esme asked the group. Carlisle shrugged.

"Nahhhhh..." The vampires walked away, leaving Sue on the floor.

/~/

"Nrggg," she woke up an hour later, to an empty Cullen's house. "What happened?"

Then she remembered, Jacob Black, the little bitch who took her son's innocence!

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" she screeched, hauling herself outside to her car and driving quickly down the Cullen driveway.

She drove down all the way to La Push, and pulled into the Black's driveway, hoping to beat the shit out of Jake.

"Hello Sue!" Rachel called from inside (the window was open).

"MWHAHAHAHA!" Sue gave a mad cackle. Rachel looked at her in concern.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"HE-HE-HE!" Sue murmured, tiptoeing by the open window, towards the front door.

"Sue, I can see you, why are you tip-toeing?"

"He-he-he..."

Sue opened the front door a crack, and slid in, humming the mission impossible theme

"Sue? What are you doing? ...Is that a knife? Sue? SUE? SUE!"

/~/

"I'm singing a song, nah nah nah nah, I'm so cool cause I am Jacob Black," Jake sang, as he unlocked his front door. "I'm too cool for everyone, nah nah nah nah, Yeah cause- OHMYEFFINGOODNESS!" Rachel lay dead on the floor, surrounded by a little puddle of blood.

"AHH MY SISTER'S DEAD! NOW I'M AN ONLY CHILD ESCEPT FOR THAT CHICK IN D.C. BUT WE DON'T COUNT HER BECAUSE SHE SHUNS US! SHUN THE NON BELIEVER!" Jacob yelled, running out the door and toward the Cullen household.

"DOCTOR! DOCTOR! IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?" Jacob wailed running through the Cullen house.

"OH MY GOD, THAT'S ME!" Carlisle squealed and latched onto Jacobs back. "I'M A DOCTOR!"

"What's wrong?" Edward asked from his seat on the couch and Jacob tried to shake Carlisle off.

"It Rachel! There's lots of blood and-"

"BLOOD?" Esme screamed. Everyone gave her questioning looks.

"What?" she shrugged. "We are supposed to be bloodsucking creatures."

"Hey why is Jake here?" Bella asked as she walked into the living room.

"Something happened to Rachel," Carlisle explained as he gathered medical supplies in his hands.

"Rachel? MY LOVE!" The room went silent.

"Your...what?"

"Erm I mean my...lovers...friend, Seth's, um...friend's...sister..cubed."

"You are on drugs."

"HOW DID YOU KNOW?"

"Vampires can take drugs?"

"A duh, how do you think we stay sane?"

"Can we please stay on topic?" Jacob sighed.

"No," everyone responded.

"It's what makes the chapters longer," Carlisle reminded with a wink.

"BUT SHE'S DEAD!" Jacob screamed.

"NOOOOO!" Bella yelled, sprinting out of the room.

"Why is she so upset?"

"I think THEY will soon remind you..."

/~/

Bella sprinted inside the Black house, almost skidding on the pool of blood coming from Rachel's head. Being the awesome vampire she was (*cough* _not_) she managed to steady herself.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no! My RACHEL, my BEAUTIFUL RACHEL!" Bella wailed. She got down on her knees, pounding the marble and making massive cracks. She took calming breaths before scanning the murder scene.

"Sue," she hissed darkly when she saw the awful drawing of Sue's car with massive hearts around it painted with blood on the wall. Bella lunged out of the door and flitted around La Push, searching for Seth's mom. She came across a little girl in her front yard playing with her tricycle.

"HAVE YOU SEEN SUE!"

"Um-uh..no I- uhh..." The little girl stammered, clearly scared shitless. Bella pounded over to the little girl, took her tricycle, threw it over her house.

"WWWWWWWWWWWHHHEERREE IISSSSSS SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Bella roared, and picked up the little girl.

"Put the girl down, Bella," a manly voice said. She looked up to see Sue, her hands on her hips, wearing a cape. Bella threw the little girl across the lawn and ran at Sue.

"YOU!" Bella screeched, and lunged at Sue, landing both her hands around Sue's neck.

"Wait, Bella, I CAN EXPLAIN!" Sue gasped, trying to gain air. Bella slightly loosened her grip.

"HOW!"

"Wait... what am I explaining again?" Sue asked. Bella's teeth came dangerously close to ripping her neck off.

"Why the hell did you kill Rachel?" Bella screeched.

"My Seth, my poor innocent Sethy! HE WAS RAPED!"

Bella paused.

"By Rachel?"

"No..."

"Then why did you kill Rachel"

"Cause Jacob raped him"

"Then why didn't you kill Jacob?"

"I DONT KNOW, ASK THE AUTHORS!" Bella apparently thought that this was a stupid suggestion, and so she ripped out Sue's throat.

"MOMMY!" the little girl screamed, running as fast as she could away from the rabid vampire.

"YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, YOU BETTER RUN!" Bella screamed at her. She then sighed, took a step back and admired her work, Sue's bloody body. Bella smiled to herself, and started to head home.

"Being a vampire keeps on getting better and better..."

* * *

**The population in Washington is going to drop violently if this keeps up XD  
Review please!**

**-Cally and Laurie**


	8. Chapter 8: Seth's Second Corruption

**Disclaimer: We don't own Twilight. Quite obviously since this story is a total crackfic lol**

**Warning: The following material may be offending to people that like Seth. And Mike. But nobody really likes Mike anyway, am I right? XD**

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"He's not coming back... he's not coming back… he's not coming back, " Seth whispered to himself, rocking back and forth.

"What's up Seth?" Edward greeted, lounging on the couch. Seth gave him a bloodshot glare before resuming rocking. Edward frowned, confused on why Seth was so upset.

"Err what happened to you?" he asked. The black haired teen stared at him in disbelief.

"Oh! Jacob and you had sex, right?" Edward remembered excitedly. Seth gave a shudder.

"Don't speak his name," Seth begged, closing his eyes.

"Listen," Edward said putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I know how you feel."

"You've been raped before?" Seth asked, looking into Edwards golden eyes.

"Many times. Most of the times by Bella."

"I'm sorry," the werewolf replied.

"She just kept saying 'you can't rape the willing' over and over..." Edward trailed off with a wince.

"That sounds horrible!" Seth squeaked covering his mouth. The vampire nodded with a sigh, casually draping his arm around Seth's shoulders.

"And nobody, not even Carlisle, will give me any comfort... because nothing can be taken seriously in this fanfic," Edward sniffed, turning his face to nuzzle against Seth's neck.

"Aw Edward," Seth, still totally innocent for some reason, cooed.

"Seth?" Edward murmured, looking up into Seth's face.

"Yeah, Edward?"

"Let's get out of here," Edward grinned, stood up and extended his hand out for Seth to grab.

"Okay!" the younger boy happily replied, jumping up off the couch, his hand in Edward's. The vampire yanked the teen into his arms and rushed up the stairs to the nearest bedroom.

"Whoa dizzy," Seth said, shaking his head. "Where are we?"

"Where do you think?" Edward purred in a velvety voice. Seth looked around, examining the room.

"Is this your room?" Seth asked running his fingers across the extensive CD collection. Edward suppressed a groan at the motion.

"Yep," he smirked "My lair, my man cave, it's where the magic happens!"

"…_Magic_?" Seth's eyes widened. Edward took a step closer to the smaller boy.

"Would you like to see?" he extended his hand out to Seth.

"I didn't know vampires could do magic!" Seth giggled, as Edward sat him down on the couch.

"Yep, now close your eyes!" Edward whispered, and Seth did just so.

"When can I open?" Seth laughed, jumping up and down from excitement.

"Very soon," Edward teased. "Okay, open"

"Yayyy-WHAT?" Seth squealed as he opened his eyes but stopped when he saw a very shirtless Edward Cullen.

"Well? Everyone always says this is a magical experience," Edward purred in his ear.

"What exactly am I going to experience?" Seth whimpered in fear. However, all Edward heard was a very sexy and willing uke, so he swung Seth around onto his bed.

"Edward! EDWARD, PLEASE STOP!" Seth begged, trying to break free from Edward's locked grip.

"I know you like it," Edward laughed, and kissed Seth on the forehead.

"How can this be happening again?" Seth wailed.

"You're too cute to pass by!" Edward grinned and snuggled up to his chest. Seth flailed about, trying to escape the vampire's iron grip. In a flash Seth's shorts were ripped off, leaving him naked. Edward hovered over the smaller boy, smirking.

"Edward, please, please," Seth begged, tears streaming down his child-like face.

"Ask and I will submit," the vampire replied. For a split second Seth thought he was safe, but Edward tore off his own shorts with a rip.

"EDWARD!" Seth screamed.

"You only had three seconds to speak up, didn't I mention that?" He smirked.

And then Seth's innocence was corrupted. For the second time that day.

/~/

"I think I'm supposed to take a left here..." Mike mumbled to himself, trying to find his way through the dense woods. He stumbled around blindly in the darkness before running into a house with a splat. Mike moaned in pain before walking around to the front door and stepping inside.

"Oh hey, it's the Cullen house!" he smiled, feeling pleased with himself. Carlisle happily walked into the living room, whistling. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw mike.

"No no no nonononoNONONO!" he screamed sprinting past Mike, out the door and into the woods.

"Weird..." Mike commented, oblivious as usual. He walked up the stairs and wandered down a hallway. He stopped short when he heard load moaning and thumping coming from the door at the end of the hallway.

"ARE THEY OKAY?" he screamed, breaking down the door and whipping out a squirt gun. Eyes tightly squeezed shut, Mike sprayed the room until the water gun was empty.

"MOTHER OF GOD," A voice wailed. Mike opened his eyes, expecting to see smiling faces because he just saved the day, but instead was met by two very naked boys, very wet.

"…Ed... _Edward_?"

"Yeah?" the vampire replied casually from his spot on the bed. By spot on the bed, I mean his arms pinning Seth's wrists down, legs on either side of his and danglybits... well dangling.

"What are you doing?" Mike scrunched his eyebrows together and cocked his head to the side.

"Raping Seth," Edward responded as the young wolf tried to yell through his gag.

"What does rape mean?" Mike asked, taking a step closer.

"He's making me have sex with him," Seth gasped, finally able to spit out the cloth. Mike squinted his eyes, trying to pull the pieces together.

Edward and Seth naked.

In a bed.

With dangly wangly bits everywhere.

Seth was tied up, crying.

"SETH, DID YOU TRY TO HAVE SEX WITH MY EDDY-KINS?"

"Right, because that's the reasonable conclusion," Seth muttered unhappily. "And _y__our_ Eddy-kins? I'm pretty sure everyone has had a 'good time' with Edward before." Mike's face contorted in rage. Literally, purple pustules began growing on his cheeks and busting in a array of disgusting pus.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Mike roared.

"Did he just not hear a word I said?"

"Nope," Edward rolled his eyes.

"KRAWRRRRR!" Mike gave a wild yell before leaping onto the bed, throwing Edward off with a kick. Mike beat at his chest and ripped his shirt off.

"I did NOT need to see that," Edward groaned from his spot on the floor.

"At least you're not up close," Seth winced.

"YOU. SHALL. DIE." Mike growled as he ripped of his pants next.

"DUDE!" the vampire and werewolf protested together. Mike lunged forward, aiming for Seth's neck, but he nimbly rolled to the side.

"Whoa, is he actually serious?" Seth asked incredulously as the disgusting vampire jumped towards him again.

"Sadly, yes," Edward groaned, as he pushed Seth out of the way of Mike's grasp.

"Gwaarr!" Mike roared again, running around the room. Edward and Seth sighed in unison before exiting the bedroom. The deranged vampire flailed around for a good 10 minutes before realizing that the two left.

"They have somehow deceived my vampiric abilities and managed to sneak away! I must sniff the air to find their scent!" Mike declared and took a big whiff of the air. He fell to the ground with a gasp as a disgusting smell overtook his nostrils.

"What is that?" he managed to choke out.

"Your body odor," Carlisle informed him cheerily as he walked past the room.

"Must... find... them… other... way," Mike gagged, and he managed to lift pull himself out of the room.

Only to fall down the stairs.

"What was that?" Seth cocked his head to the side as a large BLAMPF was heard in another room. Edward rubbed his forehead with a sigh as he heard Mike's pained thoughts.

"He's coming. MOVE MOVE MOVE!" Edward commanded, as he threw Seth over his back and sprinted towards the woods.

"AHHH" Seth yelled as they crashed through trees. The vampire finally came to a stop and froze, trying to hear where Mike was.

"I'm gonna getcha," Mike's creepy voice echoed through the forest. There was a woosh of air as the disgusting vampire through a tree right towards Seth.

"Hey guys, what's u-" Quil was crushed by the enormous weight.

"Quil!" Seth screamed, and jumped towards the indian boy's side. "YOU SAVED MY LIFE! I SHALL BE FOREVER INTERNAL GREATFUL!"

"Heh heh. Poke," Edward giggled, poking the dead corpse of Quil.

"NO! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YYYOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Mike screeched pointing a fat, chunky, disgusting, dirty, horrible, ugly finger at Seth.

"Too late now," Edward shrugged, tugging Seth away from the corpse once he started hysterically sobbing. Mike stood there for a moment, staring at the crushed remains of Quil.

"What have I DONE?" he screamed, falling to the ground in a disgusting blob of Mike.

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**Aw. Poor Quil XD ****Review please!**

**-Cally and Laurie**


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